After a week of writer's block, anxiety, temper tantrums, desperate phone calls home to my poor mother venting my frustration, questioning my existence, pestering my professors, seriously considering changing my major, slowly losing my sanity, burying myself in deep, unanswerable questions of theology, petitioning/begging God for some kind of answer--I have FINALLY come up with a relevant thesis about George Herbert's poetry that I believe in and care to write about and (dare I say it?) LOVE.


This is satisfaction and happiness.  Don't you love it when you work so hard for something, push yourself to the edge of your ability, and then when you're almost sure you will fail, suddenly things come together?!!!! Then you look back and think, "Woah, that was rough, but I could do it again," and then you keep moving forward in life so you end up having those experiences over and over and over, whether they be intellectual, spiritual, or physical.  


Refinement.  

miss you, grandpa.

Grandpa with Eric, Jared, Chris, Alini, Christi,
Kaitlin (had black eyes from a broken nose), me, Shalane
-Island Park, summer 2006

Grandpa Carson died a few months ago.  I love him and think of him often.

Lyrae Van Clief-Stefanon.

She came yesterday to BYU for a poetry reading, but I had class during the time she was here so I missed out.  One of my professors gave us a link to hear some of her poetry online and I've been listening to it tonight and loving it.  Check it out here.  Also, thank you, Vimeo, for this:


Lyrae Van Clief-Stefanon reads at the 2009 Natinal Book Awards Finalist Event from National Book Foundation on Vimeo.

Leisure: The Basis of Culture

In a class I'm taking this semester, we're approaching the study of history by looking at ethics, philosophy, and civilization as a whole, so we're reading various books with different theories; today as I read one of our required books, Leisure: The Basis of Culture, I had what Coach Bob Neal would call a "Peak experience."

Josef Pieper, a German philosopher, "destroys common misconceptions about the idea of leisure and its relation to work.  Leisure is not ideleness, but an attitude of the mind and a condition of the soul that fosters receptivity to both physical and spiritual realities.  The author points out that sound philosophy and authentic religion can be born only in leisure--a leisure that allows time for the contemplation of things, including the nature of God...Pieper warns that unless we recover true leisure--the ability for silence, contemplation and insight; for receptivity and intuitive openness to truth--and replace our frenetic amusments and relentless striving, we will destroy our culture and ourselves" (quote taken from the back of the book).  

Josef Pieper

The book is a quick read and it's full of important ideas like: "[Man] should not be wholly absorbed in the clear-cut milieu of his strictly limited function...he should retain the faculty of grasping the world as a whole and realizing his full potentialities as an entity meant to reach Wholeness" (p. 50).  

And, as Aristotle said, "A man will live thus, not to the extent that he is a man, but to the extent that a divine principle dwells within him" (p. 51).  

Oh, I do love a good book that changes my life paradigm!! You can order it here.

insomnia.

I toss and turn in bed for hours.  The problem is my brain just goes and goes. And goes.

If I were a brilliant scientist, musician, or writer, I'd have an excuse to be up all night working on something fantastic.  Unfortunately, all the ideas flying around in my brain right now are not very fantastic. Perhaps I'm on the verge of something just waiting to be created at the right time...

Except for once, Brain, can you slow down and let me sleep?  I have a yoga class in 5 hours and a day of classes and paper-writing ahead!

insomnia in Jerusalem, Sept 2010

not gonna go sky diving, but...

Today I was praying for some answers and suddenly I got the thought, "What would you do if you were going to die tomorrow?"  Yeah, yeah, it sounds cheesy (maybe because of certain oh-so-annoying songs that tell you to live like you're dying and go sky diving, blah blah, blah--actually that's a pretty good song so never mind, but you know what I'm saying) except this was oh-so-not cheesy for me, because I realized I have not been living life to the fullest lately.  I'm pretty sure I'm not going to die tomorrow, BUT I want to start thinking about that a little more and make each day count and go ahead and plan some of the more outlandish things I want to do.  Of course, most of the things I want to do take money and I don't have much, but whatever--I'll work it out if it's supposed to happen.  But alas, the big plans will have to wait; I  have homework that's definitely due tomorrow, whether or not I bite the dust.

happy!

I am SO happy I can hardly sit still, I just want to run all over my apartment and scream and squeal and jump up and down and then go outside in the freezing cold and hug strangers and jump in the snow and howl at the moon!!!!!

Why? Because I have everything a girl could ask for, that's why.

I live in a free country,
I have supportive family and friends,
I'm getting an education,
I'm majoring in something I love,
I'm taking interesting classes,
I'm blessed with health,
I have a bed to sleep on in an apartment with heat,
I have fresh food to eat and clean water to drink every day,
and the list of things I'm thankful for could go on and on and on.

Western Wall.

The Western Wall was probably my favorite place to go to in Jerusalem. In September, I emailed my family about my first experience there, so I'm just going to copy and paste parts of the email below...

Note: The following pics were taken at different times over the semester.

Dear Mom, Dad, Kaitlin, and Shalane,

Last night our group had the special opportunity to go to the Western Wall and be there as the Jews began their Sabbath celebration.  As you know, the Jewish Sabbath begins Friday at sundown.  Hundreds of people gather at the Western Wall to offer prayers, read scripture, sing praises, and dance.   Professor Chadwick explained the sacredness of the place by comparing it to how we feel about our temples. The Western Wall is like an open-air temple for our Jewish friends.   We can't use electronics or take pictures while there during the Sabbath, but it's okay to take pics on other days.

A gate surrounds the area of the Wall.  To get in, you have to go through security and metal detectors.  The plaza inside the gate is basically a huge square on a slope.  The further you are away from the Wall, the higher on the slope you are, and the more you can see what is going on down below you at the wall.  As you get closer to the wall, you see less people worshipping but more of the massive wall.  

There is a fence separating the Wall into two sides: one for males and one for females.  Professor Chadwick said the reason they separate it into two sections is so the males can focus on worshipping God rather than being distracted by women.  J The males are required to wear a head covering.  Some wear kippas and others wear different hats; it just depends on preference or how conservative you are.  The Russian Orthodox Jews wear huge furry hats.  Most of the men in our group from the center bought kippas to wear for the occasion.  The women don’t have to cover their heads, but many Jewish women, especially those who are more conservative, chose to cover their hair with scarves. 

When we went past security and into the area where the wall is, I felt so happy to be there!  I was so impressed with the devotion I saw around me.  The men’s section of the wall was much bigger than the women’s section, and the men were much louder in their worship. There was a circle of upbeat men who were joyfully dancing and singing.  It was fun to watch!  I didn't see much dancing on the women’s side.  I decided to go make my way through the crowd toward the Wall. It took a while to make it there, but I enjoyed watching the women around me as they fervently worshiped Jehovah by reading scripture and/or softly praying or singing in Hebrew.  At the Wall people were crying, touching and kissing the stone, and offering prayers.   It was absolutely beautiful.  I felt the spirit there and thought about how God hears all of our prayers and loves all of His children.  Later that evening when I came back to the Wall for the second time, I offered a prayer of thanks, not only for my faith, but for the Jewish faith as well. 

Before coming here, I hardly knew anything about the history of the Jews and the persecution they have been through.  All I really knew about was the Holocaust, so I have been shocked as I’ve read some of the background on what has been going on throughout the history of mankind.  I don’t know of a people that has been so oppressed and degraded.  The miracle is that the faith has survived and is flourishing.  

It's hard to explain being here.  It’s basically just beautiful being surrounded by people of all different faiths and backgrounds and being able to take part in their celebrations of God.  I really could not ask for more than to be here!  I rejoice in God and in His blessings.  I know He loves and guides us.  And I love you all SO much!

Love,
Jenna

___________________________________________________

Written prayers stuffed into cracks in the Wall.

Women's side of the Wall.

Men's side on a quiet day. 

Women reading Torah where they have a view of whole wall before them.

Torah in Hebrew.

Rabbis at the wall.

Writing my own prayer to put in the Wall.

On an almost empty day--hardly any men, but there were more women as you can see on the other side of the divider.